Investigative Report on Global Warming

September 16, 2009

I have undertaken an exhaustive undercover journalistic research of the Federal Government’s efforts to identify major sources of global warming.  As part of this investigation I became acquainted with a top federal research scientist who desires to keep his name a secret for soon to be obvious reasons.  He calls himself “Deep Ice”.  The time he has spent researching and identifying the causes of global warming has been on-going for more than redacted years.  His background and education levels are impeachable.  Education: He graduated from redacted, a now defunct for profit college, after an 18 month horse and cow recognition work study program.  Background: He was raised in a state that experienced the four seasons for the first three years of his life.  He most certainly qualifies as a global warming expert.

Deep Ice’s research delved into the minutia concerning the question “what causes the ice to melt?”  Deep Ice used modern scientific instruments to track the cause of ice melt in Antarctica, the Artic and most glaciers in the Washington, D.C. area.  One of the most fascinating instruments was his use of what laymen call the “wet finger in the air.”  Wetting one part of the finger to determine air flow and direction is challenging as it is very difficult to consistently wet the proper side of the finger to a millimeter dimension without the advance training he possesses.  Deep Ice’s study has found that global warming’s primary cause is bloviating by politicians.  Deep Ice’s conclusions show ice melt could be reduced 60% annually if politicians could be gagged just 30 minutes per day!  A secondary cause of ice melt was found to be the result of the D.C. cocktail party circuit.  Deep Ice concludes that eliminating just four D.C. cocktail parties per week will save 662.3 feet of glacial ice annually.  Fascinating!

In a related story, a sub-agency of the EPA, The Federal Agency Responsible for Temperature (F.A.R.T.) is studying methane gas release by livestock and humans.  F.A.R.T. attempted to study animals in the wild but were followed and taped by members of PETA who objected to F.A.R.T. following little animals through the forest.

F.A.R.T. has developed non-permeable adhesive bags capable of capturing methane releases from livestock.  The bags are designed with a release valve that couples with the Smart Methane Effluvia Liquid Eliminator, commonly known as SMELY.  Under F.A.R.T.’s proposal, livestock owners would be required to procure the SMELY containers and use them daily to prevent accidental gas releases into the atmosphere.  These containers would have to be driven in federally authorized HazMat convoys to conveniently located Federal SMELY collection sites operated by F.A.R.T. and the External Research Scientist Group (E.R.S. Group).  F.A.R.T. is using E.R.S. to monitor all on-going trials.  F.A.R.T. and F.A.R.T.E.R.S. are currently conducting human trials with smaller non-permeable adhesive bags.  In urban areas F.A.R.T.E.R.S. has installed thousands of air monitoring systems to capture air quality results for further testing.  The monitoring systems, Phenolic Health Transmitting Terminals (P.H.T.T.), each constantly monitor 500 square meters of air quality and sound alarms when a release is detected.  Results of the testing so far are mixed as currently available clothing does not allow the bags to be easily used.  (The Feds are considering a take-over of the clothing industry to alleviate this problem.)  The bag size represents the biggest hurdle for use by humans.  Because Methane is a lighter-than-air gas, small in stature humans have difficulty keeping their feet on the ground.  Sitting while using these bags can cause these bags to rupture releasing the gas into the atmosphere rather than the SMELY containment systems conveniently located in area neighborhoods making the user of the bag to be in violation of the Clean Air Act.  Driving with these bags also poses a few difficulties as the seats offered by the federally owned and operated automobile companies have not met the new SMELY SEATHOLE requirement passed into law by Congress on Arbor Day.  Until the new SMELY SEATHOLE requirements are met, smoking while driving will be a federal offense as the embers from a cigarette, cigar, or pipe could cause a massive explosion should the bag rupture after hitting a pothole or dip in the road.

In spite of the minor issues with the containment bags, F.A.R.T. will issue use mandates prior to year’s end.

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Published in: on September 16, 2009 at 8:54 am  Leave a Comment  
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